Raising Mom

Am I an authoritative figure? I have no doubts that I am not. I don't push people. But at home, I have to be. I try to be, rather. My two sons do not particularly have any interest in doing things in an orderly manner. Every ten minutes there is a war cry or a long loud wail. Unfailingly, one will take away something valuable belonging to the other. I believe that amidst the strife there is immense fun for them. They thrive on this conflict. They are laying down the bricks for the memory wall. One day, they are going to sit, arms around each other and laugh at each silly fight.

They teach me so many things. I never really referred to any parenting guide, so I do not know if I fall into the buddy parenting bracket. But this I know, our relationship is based on give and take. I take a lot more than I give. They exposed the many gaping holes in my character. I wanted to be a better person for them. I have successfully earned the good cook title, in the extended family circle. I wouldn't have cooked but for them. Them alone. They taught me time management, which my boss was getting tired of, putting on my appraisal comments.

What do I teach them? I wonder, anything of value? I help them with the text books and the writing.

I constantly push them, to learn from what they around them, to improvise. I like to imagine I taught them to channel their energies to creative ends. We have spent many happy mornings in the terrace of our home, painting on the wall. Any picture we imagined. I have seen volcanoes, dragons, cool cars and enchanted trees, appearing on that unglamorous half wall.

They have taught me all about cars. From the ones in the racing games to the one listed in Top Gear magazines. I have been lectured on the different engine types of European cars, customised for speed. We have laughed at the Greg Heffely's misfortunes. (That's the Wimpy Kid series)

Mornings are the worst. They don't want to wake up. After they are up, they go about in the slowest motion possible. That's when Chocos cheer them up. I even pack it in their snack box at times. On holidays, we bake together. My elder one believes I can't bake a good cake without him.

Of all the moments we have nurtured each other, my fondest is the time my elder one decided it was time for us to cycle together. I hadn't touched a cycle in ten thousand years, I was afraid of looking like a total idiot. Something that I didn't want particularly. Especially in front of him. We set out, I was wobbly, obviously. He rode slow but helped me with encouraging words. He laughed when I braked hard and put my feet down, to stop the cycle, but he didn't make fun of my fear. I was ready to wind up, but he prodded me on. He kept saying that the more you practice, the easier it gets.

My own words, coming right back at me. So I had to persevere. After some time, I started to relax and enjoy the two wheeled wonder.

It felt good. The cutting through cool air. The sense of adventure. I felt free, like a child, with no worries about the day's menu or mounting work. I am grateful that he likes to share his happy times and favourite activities with me. There is still a lot of growing for me to do.

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Ray of Light

Most of my days are spent rushing into all sorts of chores and pushing my kids through all their activities. Right from brushing in the morning...all the way to sleep me. It's a task for a parent to actually sit down and admire the children and their sweet innocence in the midst of all the ferrying and rushing. I am beginning to see that as a big mistake. While we do have to ensure that children eat well, learn their lessons and behave with good manners, we also need to listen to their version of events. It may often seem catastrophic to the adult eyes and yet it may have been an earnest sincere effort at something from the child.

It was a particularly trying day for me. I had been going back and forth couple of times. Some chores I was hoping to get done didn't happen. Plans crashed and burned. And there as I walked in, all the magma of the day's frustrations were ready to blow out. The floor was flooded with Lego blocks, sprinkled with snacks and the children were sprawled in front of the telly. My elder one showed me his test results and all I could see were the lost marks. He did pretty well but for a Mom , its never enough. You know your child can do better. But does he need to be so perfect? Isn't that a burden I force on him? I said a few harsh words and yelled at the mess the house was in. I said stuff like just sit in front of cartoon network and eat junk and be happy. I stormed off and jumped into the bed. After a while I got alarmed that there wasn't any noise.

I ran to the living room which had magically transformed !! The Lego s were tucked away and my elder son was sweeping the floor. My younger one was carrying all the footwear deserted at the door to the shoe rack (mine included).My elder one spoke up “Sorry Momma. Please don't be angry. When you are angry we feel very sad. I feel all alone. Without you there is no fun. I will study harder. I will not make any spelling mistakes. I will make sure we both eat food properly.”

His extremely heart rending apology speech felt like a punch in the stomach. It wasn't his responsibility yet he shouldered it. His duty is to be a child. To make a mess and mistakes. That was his right.

Yet it filled me with a light. He did care for my happiness. He didn't hold it against me that I ranted about losing a single mark. He accepted my high expectations.

I hugged him tight. He was a treasure more important than anything. What your child becomes, is your future but who your child is, will always be your utmost happiness. That is what makes your home a little piece of heaven. A safe zone for everyone to do stupid mistakes and learn from them and grow stronger. The world pushes you into a corner, your home is where you recover. 

When children care about happiness other than their own, the world has hope of transformation into a beautiful flower garden. We have to admire what we have and innovate and inspire, rather than the catch up with a maddening zombie crowd.

When I sense a meltdown moment inching towards me, I fish out this ray of light. My children care for my happiness. And I must value their happiness more that any notion of success the world may be blinded in. This is my hope, that I can start with my home to fill the world with a little bit of optimism and love.

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